You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize