Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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