Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
