Porn is love you can see.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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