now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
