On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
