Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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