I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
