So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
