I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
