you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
