how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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