I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
