the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She made me pour olive oil on her.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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