I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
