I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
