He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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