highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
