Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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