Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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