Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize