How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
