My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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