CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
