weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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