In the future we'll all be gay
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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