1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
