I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
