im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
