I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
