The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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