On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
