Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
