We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
