I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
