Who wears a wallet chain?!
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
