We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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