dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
