I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
