Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
