woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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