The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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