Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
