I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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