At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
