so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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