god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
