my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize