Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
