So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize