I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
