He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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