i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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