I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
