i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
