You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
