I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
