wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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